Good morning!
Welcome to Wife to Wife Wednesday, the day that we discuss any and all issues relating to marriage. As I said in my series introduction a few weeks ago, sex is a super important part of marriage. It is an incredible gift that can be amazing... but it can also be devastating when it doesn't go well. We have talked about when Body Image impacts your sex-life and where Christians can purchase lingerie without feeling gross about it. Today I want to talk about pornography.
When I first wrote about that last topic, buying lingerie, I got an email from someone who couldn't understand why I would have a problem buying lingerie. It is fun and pretty right?
Yes, lingerie can absolutely be fun and make you feel beautiful in the bedroom.
However, if your spouse has had a problem with pornography in the past, looking for lingerie can be extremely painful. When your spouse has betrayed your marriage by viewing pornography, pretty much everything can become painful.
Simple things like going to the park suddenly seem dangerous and full of potential pitfalls when your spouse has a problem with lust. When you are awakened to the sensual nature of entertainment today, movies and television shows are all suddenly a potential threat to your spouses' recovery from pornography.
And this is all IF your spouse confesses the pornography use, turns from it, and pursues Christ instead of sensual material. If he has lied about it, hidden it, or is flat out refusing to quit viewing sensual material this all becomes SIGNIFICANTLY more complicated.
If your spouse has betrayed your marriage with pornography or an affair, I want to strongly encourage you to reach out for help. Do not listen to the idea that you need to do this on your own to protect his reputation. That is a lie from Satan to keep you separated from Christian community exactly when you need it most.
The best things that I have found to help with pornography in marriage is:
1.) Open and honest communication
2.) Counseling for the hurt spouse
3.) Internet monitoring
To begin, as with any sin, talking about it and bringing it into the light is crucial in order to beat them. Bringing the issues to light at the foot of the cross is especially powerful when done with your spouse. There are some great books out there to help with what pornography recovery looks like, I highly recommend: Worthy of Her Trust, When a Good Man Cheats, and Every Heart Restored (#AffiliateLinks). I would recommend that you both read these books. Highlight, take notes, and talk about each of the chapters. You will each relate to some of it and not to other parts of it. Talking about pornography and sexual sins helps to bring them out of the darkness and into the light.
Secondly, if you are the spouse that has been wounded by pornography use (or other sexual sin) I strongly recommend that you get counseling to be able to deal with the hurt and pain. The reason that I say counseling is because while you may think that you can just brush it back and move on, you may be surprised how often that it pops back up. Sometime the "triggers" (reminders of the betrayal) come out of no where and it feels like you have been sucker punched. I know for many women trying to find the money, let alone the time to attend counseling can be very challenging. I have recently discovered a website called Bloom for Women, that offers classes, counseling, and recovery techniques for women recovering from sexual betrayals. I have to say that at first I completely underestimated this tool. I thought it was silly. But, if you treat it like a college class, (meaning pick a time of day, sign in, do a course, do the yoga, and pray before and after) it really can help. I have found that this option has helped me give words to feelings and emotions that I couldn't explain previously. So, if you are recovering from sexual betrayal I strongly encourage you to take advantage of this resource. It is just $20.00 per month and I can honestly say I got my money's worth out of just the first course.
My final recommendation was to use internet monitoring to help your partner (or you!) to stay accountable for what you view online. We use Covenant Eyes. It is installed on every device in our home. Basically it tracks everything that is done on the device and then sends a report of the actions to a chosen list of people. Sometimes (though not often) spouses are on that list. But, it is usually pastors, mentors, and trusted friends. Now, I do have to say the software only works as well as the people reading the reports. If it is just a wink and a nod, or a "try better next time" it won't work as well. If the person reading the reports is carefully reviewing them and actively praying against the schemes of Satan it is actually a very useful tool. Here is my referral code for Covenant Eyes, it works immediately and you can set the reports to be delivered daily, every three days, or once a week. It is incredibly affordable and worth every penny.
In conclusion, if you have been hurt by pornography, do not let it hold you back from the glorious relationship that God created marriage to be. It may not be easy, but I assure you that it is 100% worth the time, energy and work to restore your relationship and rebuild your marriage. It can be done, do not give up!
The best things that I have found to help with pornography in marriage is:
1.) Open and honest communication
2.) Counseling for the hurt spouse
3.) Internet monitoring
To begin, as with any sin, talking about it and bringing it into the light is crucial in order to beat them. Bringing the issues to light at the foot of the cross is especially powerful when done with your spouse. There are some great books out there to help with what pornography recovery looks like, I highly recommend: Worthy of Her Trust, When a Good Man Cheats, and Every Heart Restored (#AffiliateLinks). I would recommend that you both read these books. Highlight, take notes, and talk about each of the chapters. You will each relate to some of it and not to other parts of it. Talking about pornography and sexual sins helps to bring them out of the darkness and into the light.
Secondly, if you are the spouse that has been wounded by pornography use (or other sexual sin) I strongly recommend that you get counseling to be able to deal with the hurt and pain. The reason that I say counseling is because while you may think that you can just brush it back and move on, you may be surprised how often that it pops back up. Sometime the "triggers" (reminders of the betrayal) come out of no where and it feels like you have been sucker punched. I know for many women trying to find the money, let alone the time to attend counseling can be very challenging. I have recently discovered a website called Bloom for Women, that offers classes, counseling, and recovery techniques for women recovering from sexual betrayals. I have to say that at first I completely underestimated this tool. I thought it was silly. But, if you treat it like a college class, (meaning pick a time of day, sign in, do a course, do the yoga, and pray before and after) it really can help. I have found that this option has helped me give words to feelings and emotions that I couldn't explain previously. So, if you are recovering from sexual betrayal I strongly encourage you to take advantage of this resource. It is just $20.00 per month and I can honestly say I got my money's worth out of just the first course.
My final recommendation was to use internet monitoring to help your partner (or you!) to stay accountable for what you view online. We use Covenant Eyes. It is installed on every device in our home. Basically it tracks everything that is done on the device and then sends a report of the actions to a chosen list of people. Sometimes (though not often) spouses are on that list. But, it is usually pastors, mentors, and trusted friends. Now, I do have to say the software only works as well as the people reading the reports. If it is just a wink and a nod, or a "try better next time" it won't work as well. If the person reading the reports is carefully reviewing them and actively praying against the schemes of Satan it is actually a very useful tool. Here is my referral code for Covenant Eyes, it works immediately and you can set the reports to be delivered daily, every three days, or once a week. It is incredibly affordable and worth every penny.
In conclusion, if you have been hurt by pornography, do not let it hold you back from the glorious relationship that God created marriage to be. It may not be easy, but I assure you that it is 100% worth the time, energy and work to restore your relationship and rebuild your marriage. It can be done, do not give up!
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Morgan