Title Tuesday: Shattered Vows

Welcome to  Title Tuesday, my favorite day of the week! This day is dedicated to book suggestions, news, cartoons, and reviews. I write this portion of my blog because I am a big believer in the motivational speaker Charlie Jones' quote which says, "You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.” I try to meet as many new people as possible and to read everything I can. This is my way of sharing that information with you. You can see a visual summary of the books I have reviewed for both adults and children over on my Facebook page. If you are interested in understanding my rating system for books you can read my Book Review Explanation here and What I Believe here. If you want to check out what I am currently reading or what I want to read next, friend me on Goodreads!

Good morning! Every once in a while I share book reviews geared towards women trying to recovery from a husband's (physical/emotional/cyber) infidelity. These books will not interest most people, so if you are one of my regular #Title Tuesday readers and you aren't interested in this topic, I promise I will be back to my regular reviews/cartoons next week.

Alright, those of you that are still reading, I want to share with you about Debra Laaser's book, Shattered Vows. For anyone that has had their marriage ravaged by infidelity, you know that it is a devastating blow. It can take months to years to heal from a single affair, longer if their are repeat offenses or continued lying.

In the case of Debra Laaser, her marriage was rocked by the discovery of her husband's multiple sexual betrayals. Her husband lost his job and they entered a very difficult season of recovery and trust rebuilding. Now, they travel together all over the globe and tell other couples their story. They are an incredible example of the redemptive nature of Jesus Christ in a marriage.

I won't lie to you, some of this book is difficult to read. The concept of dealing with your own issues and pain can be frustrating when your heart has been broken by your spouse. However, there was one particular paragraph from Laaser's book that made me keep reading and pushing forward, On page 67 Debra writes,

The feelings won't just go away over time. Not thinking about your husband's sinful decisions won't make them magically disappear. Quickly forgiving your husband and "moving on" will only bury your feelings of anger and sadness- only to have them seep out at unexpected times down the road. The better choice is to go to any lengths to get the support you deserve so you can heal and thrive, not just survive.

This, to me, summarizes the entire book. Recovery from (physical/emotional/cyber) infidelity is incredibly hard and Debra Laaser walks the reader through the first steps with incredible grace.

In Shattered Vows, Debra tackles tough topics like:
-does marital sex prevent pornography use?
--sexually transmitted diseases
-the drip disclosure method
-healthy grieving
-slips and relapses
-and a whole lot more

Debra is honest, concise, and doesn't pander to the "the wife needs to stay in her lane" junk that is often passed around in moral/sexual purity discussion. She does delve a bit into the idea of "codependency", which I don't believe is a prevalent as many psychologists and counselors seem to think. However, that withstanding, this book is excellent and I strongly recommend it to anyone deal with marital (physical/emotional/cyber) infidelity. Overall I give Debra Laaser's book Shattered Vows a solid A+, and it is the first book I recommend to women dealing with marital infidelity.

A New Creation

One of my mentors and I are going through Bible verse memorization program (you can find it here) and I have been thoroughly enjoying the process. At first I was treating it like a school subject. I planned out how to learn the verses, when I would study, and I really enjoyed checking off each verse as we went. 

I wasn't really hiding the verses away in my heart, I was checking boxes. It was just memorization.

Today, I got to feel the real power behind having God's word tucked away in my heart. 

I struggle with guilt. I allow this guilt to prevent me from reaching out to people, so instead I isolate myself. How could anyone possibly want to get to know someone with a past like mine? I feel guilt over past sins, past failures, and things that are not even mine to feel guilt over. 

I struggled with guilt greatly this week. I was invited to a women's retreat this weekend and despite the fact that some of my closest friends are going to be there, I did not want to attend. I didn't want to attend because of the conversations that might happen. 

What if they ask me questions about my past? 

What if they want to talk about real stuff? 

They won't want anything to do with someone like me. 

As I was going through my contacts to call and say that I wasn't going, God brought something to my mind. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, ^"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new is here!" There it is, written in the Word of God. I am a child of Christ. Sins of the past have been forgiven. I have been made new, the old me is gone. 

I am going to the retreat this weekend, and I am going as a new creation in Jesus Christ.  

What a Mess!

I saw this picture floating around on facebook the other day. I couldn’t help but adore it. Only God can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into a triumph, and a victim into a victory…. WOW! This is something that people need to think about. Life is hard, there are challenges. However, through Christ all things are possible. 

This is a lesson that I am still learning. It would be very easy for me to sit back and wallow in the fact that I had a hard childhood. In fact, I spent a long time doing exactly that. I would not go to church and get involved because I don’t want “those people” to ask about my family and think of me as a VICTIM of the TRIALS and TESTS.  I couldn’t bring my friends home because I didn’t want them to see the MESS. I wasted years of my life being embarrassed and ashamed of my past, when all I need to do was give it to God.


In making the choice to give my hurts over to God, I let go of the burden of my past. Yes, it was hard, yes it was ugly. I cannot stand a mess! But God has a plan for me. Through the mess of my family I am learning how to work with (and minister to) broken families; thus turning my mess into a possible MESSAGE. My parents and I had some very difficult times, testing my faith in God. Now, my TESTIMONY is that much more influential. Through my testimony I am able to give hope to other women and children from tough situations. These are the people who might not be able to connect with someone from a “traditional” family. Through my trials I was made so much stronger. By overcoming adversity the trials became TRIUMPHS; this has been essential in forming my walk with Christ. Last but certainly not least, God took the broken version of me, the victim and is using me to his glory. I would call that a VICTORY, wouldn’t you?


The important thing to remember is that you cannot make these changes on your own. By my own power I could tackle one of these at a time, at best. Even then, I failed multiple times. But then I found Christ. With God’s help, you can overcome your mess, trials, tests, and you do NOT have to be a victim. Matthew 19:26 says that “Jesus looked at them and said, “with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’” God is big enough to handle all of your problems, you just have to hand them over and let him work on you.    

Confessions of a Former Feminist

              I recently had a life changing experience that no one saw. Normally when people tell you that they are reevaluating their life and the choices that they have made the news coincides with some dramatic event.  Mine didn’t happen that way. It was not an earth shattering moment nor was my life in danger at the time. My life changing moment happened while I was watching kids play in the mall.

               

                I am a forgiven feminist. This means that at one point in my life I fully bought into the feminist ideology. Although the basic idea behind feminism is a good one (equality in voting, wages, and employment opportunities) the spinoff of this good idea is dark and ugly. The idea of equality has morphed into a desire to not only make women equal to men, but to actually make women into men. Women are encouraged to seek out high powered careers and to put having a family on hold, if not altogether removing that possibility. Feminism has taught women that we need to reject the traditional feminine roles because they are constricting. Feminism teaches that women are being forced into a role of unnatural submission by men. They also claim that Christianity is just a means of keeping women in their place. (You can read more about the history of feminism here!) This leads to an incredible amount of problems. However, the one that I am interested in discussing today is… kids.

Feminism teaches that kids are an option, but only for women who can’t be happy on their own. That is the BEST version of kids in the feminist scope. More often than not, kids are seen as an inconvenience to women. This is due in large part to the fact that more often than not in today’s society children are viewed as a side effect of unprotected sex. This is SO sad to me. Children are not just the byproducts of unprotected sex. They are amazing, little miracles. So how is it that we went from thinking that children are gifts from God to thinking that they are punishment? Ill give you a hint…. Check your DVR.

In a society where the main means of communicating with family is via facebook and when television is more important than familial interaction, it is easy to be lead astray. Women love dramatic television shows, when I asked my girlfriends in class what their favorite shows are these were the top three: Sex and the City, Grey’s Anatomy, and The Secret Life of the American Teenager. Each of these shows deals with an unwanted pregnancy (I cannot stand that term!) at one point or another.

• In Sex and the City a high powered lawyer gets pregnant after sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. Miranda debates having an abortion because she doesn’t want the baby to interrupt her life. She ends up having the baby and yet she doesn’t treat the baby in a nurturing or loving way. She continues to act as though she isn’t a mother, going out and having multiple relationships.
•  In Grey’s Anatomy Dr. Christina Yang gets pregnant in the first season of the show, by man she is not even dating. She chooses to terminate the pregnancy because she isn’t ready for that stage in her life yet. This woman is so focused on her career that she is able to overcome “this problem” and continue to be successful. (Yang ends up having a ectopic pregnancy and the “problem” goes away.)
• In The Secret Life of the American Teenager the main character Amy (15 years old!) has sex at band camp and gets pregnant. The young couple goes through many dramatic relationship endeavors and they eventually end up together. They decide to try to make things work as a family. In doing so they move in together prior to being married.

These shows are designed for women. They target the emotional part of a woman’s mind and they adhere to the dramatic tendencies of women. However, the realities behind the problems that are projected are very real and very serious.  Amy in The Secret Life gives young girls the impression that it will all work out. Eventually if you throw enough tantrums (and she does) then your will get you way. Oh, and they also show that a “good girl” will be able to turn a “bad guy” around. Therefore showing girls that it is ok to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t respect you and who can’t be faithful to you. It is ok, because you can change him. Dr. Yang in Grey’s Anatomy is in desperate need of counseling. The show never really deals with the emotional turmoil that an abortion has on a woman. Instead this woman continues to live a promiscuous and dangerous lifestyle that leaves her open to more hurt later on. The actions of Miranda in Sex and the City are admirable, she had the baby.  But she did not change her lifestyle to be a mother, instead she hires a housekeeper to raise her child for her and she continues to live life as though she were a single woman. This shows young women that if you do get pregnant out of wedlock, it is ok! You can continue your normal life once you hire a nanny and everything will be fine. In real life, it doesn’t work out like that.

So, we have covered the issues of what these feminist ideas show women, but what does it show to children? Feminism teaches women that children are a hindrance, something to drag you down. It teaches kids that they have ruined their parent’s lives. It leaves children feeling like they have to make up for the fact that they altered their parent’s chosen paths.  However, each and every child needs to be encouraged and loved. Ideally every single child should be prayed for before it is ever even conceived and should be born into a married family.

I am the result of the unplanned pregnancy. Let me tell you, it makes a difference. Instead of looking at the child as an inconvenience or the side effect of a one night stand, women (and men!) need to be shown that even unplanned children are blessings from God. It takes strength and dedication to treat a child the way they deserve to be treated in a perfect home situation. Raising children is difficult and takes a special amount of patience that only God can give. Feminists need to be shown that children are our legacy, the only thing that we leave behind in this life that matters. But until they have seen the importance of motherhood feminists will not be able to fully understand the gift of raising a child. 

So how did this change my life? I was sitting in the mall with my charges Beth and Bill (I am a nanny) at the play center. Belle and Bo are two and a year old respectively and incredibly active. As I sat and watched the other women with their kids I was amazed at the discontentment evident on the faces of the mothers. They spoke to their children with angry voices and sharp words. I watched one mother roll her eyes after her child handed her a crumpled piece of paper. As I watched this I began to think to myself how sad our society has become when our greatest asset, our future generation is viewed as an inconvenience. Women need to get back to a Biblical view of motherhood. Being a mother is more than just the biological capability to reproduce; it is a calling from God. There needs to be a counterrevolution to call women back to the value of Biblical motherhood. The Biblical principal of being called to motherhood is something that all women should be taught at an early age. There needs to be recognition of the impact that women have on their families. It is the responsibility of Christian women to illuminate the darkness through their relationship with Jesus Christ, for women caught in the Feminist trap. 

I Was A Teenage Feminist

In my first post, I wrote that I am in the process of figuring out God’s plan for my life and that in doing so I have begun to think in a new and different direction. Let me explain…

I found feminism when I was in college. I attended a school that was listed in the Princeton Review as one of the most conservative colleges in America. Yet even in this ultraconservative environment the feminist movement was not just alive but thriving. I was introduced to feminism by my academic adviser who suggested I enroll in a women’s studies class. I became a feminist, a staunch feminist. I mean to say that I was a bra-burning, man-hating, feminist. I read all the literature. I was a card-carrying member of NOW. I supported and took part in the NOH8 campaign. I volunteered at and donated money to Planned Parenthood. However, the harder I fought for the feminist cause the greater the ache in my soul became. After a great deal of prayer and work with counselors/trusted friends (and by the grace of God!) I have begun to overcome the hurts of my past that brought me to the feminist cause. In letting go of this pain, I began to realize that what I was being taught by feminism is in direct contradiction to who I am as a child of God and His purpose for my life.

In the dictionary Feminism is defined as “the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.” If that were the end of it, then yes I am a feminist. But that is not the end of it. Feminism has morphed into something completely different from its original purpose. There are typically considered to be three waves of feminism: the original feminists, the second wave and the third wave. The original “feminists” were not called feminists in their time. These were women who were fighting for the right to vote. These women were NOTHING like the feminists of today.

Original feminists were pro-family and pro-femininity. Second wave feminists are the generation of women that came with the baby boomers. This second wave created the term “feminism”. They took something good (the quest for political and social equality, i.e. the right to vote and get equal pay for equal work) and morphed it into a chance for bored women to vent their anger upon society. The second wave feminists called for women to break free of the bonds of marriage and motherhood and to achieve “equality” in all aspects of life. The last group of feminists is the group that my generation is part of, this is the post-feminist movement. Colleges and universities all across the country have accepted feminism as official policy. If you are a young woman with talent or ambition academic advisors are quick to push you in the direction of women’s studies classes (a term that is highly misleading, but we will save that for another time.) Women’s studies courses are some of the most popular classes and they are overflowing with postfeminist ideology.

It is no longer the norm to assume that a woman is pro-family, in fact in our society it is expected that a woman is a feminist. If feminism was still an issue of equal pay for equal work or the right to vote I would have no problem with feminism. However, this is no longer the case. Feminism teaches women that the only path to happiness is through a high-powered career and that men are holding them back from our potential. This is particularly problematic for Christians. Denise L. Carmondy author of Virtuous Woman: Reflections of Christian Ethics writes that, “No feminism compatible with Christina faith can make its bias for women into a destructive bias against men.”  Feminism tells us that marriage and motherhood are social constructs designed by men to hold women down and that we are better without them. This wave of post feminism calls for the “destruction of gender norms and social constructs”. They call for women to be treated as people, and screech about inequality. It has been taken as far as women who call for everything in the English language to be gender neutral to ensure equality. In Elisabeth Elliot’s book Let Me Be A Woman she writes, “I don’t want anybody treating me as a “person” rather than as a woman. Our sexual differences are the terms of our life, and to obscure them in any way is to weaken the very fabric of life itself.” Mrs. Elliot has it exactly right. Women are an incredible part of God’s design. He created men and women equally, one is not better than the other, we are just designed for different purposes.

But don’t worry Christian women! There are people out there who believe in marriage and motherhood, people who recognize women’s unique design by our creator. In Elisabeth Elliot’s book Let Me Be A Woman she writes that, “The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman.” Yes, we are women. Yes we are different from men, but that does not mean we are less than men. It means that we need to take back our understanding of femininity and what women are designed to do. The best way for us to do that is to interact with other Christian women. In an age where feminism is accepted as the social norm, Christian women need to stand up and be there for one another. Titus 2: 3-5 says, “³ Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. ⁴ Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, ⁵ to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” Women can offer support and love to one another and help combat the influence of feminism in the lives of girls and women across the world. 

If you want information about biblical femininity and godly womanhood check out the blogroll on the side of the page or the suggested readings!