Beautifully Crumbling Walls

I am a planner. I plan things days and weeks ahead of time. I had a post written for today (planned out over a week ago) but this weekend I changed my mind. So I have spent the last two days writing, editing, and revising this article. Forgive me if it scattered but this was placed on my heart, so here it is.

Today I want to write about walls. What is a wall? In the physical sense walls hold up the roof, walls are a place to put decorations and most importantly walls protect. Walls are strong, walls provide security.I’m more interested in nonphysical walls also called emotional walls.

I am not great with emotional things, so I build emotional walls. I am a first-rate emotional wall builder. If building walls were an Olympic sport, I would be a gold medalist several times over. I have many walls built up, some of which have been in place for years. My walls were carefully built brick by brick, each one placed to ensure their strength and stability. My walls were painted and well maintained, beautifully gilded barriers. One almost couldn’t tell that they were fortifications; they looked like decorations until you looked closely. The bricks in my walls are labeled with things like: anger, defiance, broken, future, abused, fear, disappointment, used, promised, abandoned, hatred, ugly, hopeless, protection, family, past, … the list goes on.

My walls have protected me for many years. They helped me get through school, work, crazy family situations, and dark times. But as much as my walls protected, they also constrict. I built a wall behind me to protect me from my past. I built walls on both sides to protect myself from the things in my life today. I built walls in front to protect myself from the future. Guess where that left me? Blocked in and walled up. I was safe and I was alone. I didn’t trust anyone. I was so surrounded by my walls I couldn’t move. My walls had me completely immobilized, but hey at least I was safe right?

WRONG. I was so wrong.

Hidden inside my walls was a broken, hurt girl. As a child of Christ, I don’t have to be a broken girl; instead I can be a strong woman. Do you know what strong women have? Broken walls. As daughters of the king, we don’t have to have a million fortifications, we don’t have to build up walls to protect ourselves. We have a heavenly father willing to do that for us.  John 16:33 says, “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” In a world where being broken is admired (see fictional characters such as Meredith Grey, Rachel Green, Amy Jergins) women need to know it is ok to be strong. In fact, that is what God is for. He is our strength when we don’t have any. He is the wall that will protect us.

I am learning to put my trust in God. I am learning to trust Him to take care of me and to protect my heart. Psalm 62:6 says, “He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved.” My walls are nothing compared to the fortress that is Christ Jesus.  I am learning to trust God, and now? My walls are crumbling, beautifully.