Changes

Arnold Bennet said, “Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” I found out this week how true that statement really is. The process of getting out of the feminist mindset is hard. Feminism deeply entrenches in your mind and comes to light in the strangest situations. As I began to work with counselors and trusted friends on this process I realized how much I had leaned on one particular old friend during some of the harder times in my childhood. The more I thought about how much he had done for my sister and I, the more thankful I became. So, after debating for days, I called him. I thanked him for helping me to get through the harder parts of my childhood. (Of course he graciously played it off as something that anyone would have done.) When he asked me why I was even bringing it up I began to explain about the changes that I am making in my life.

This friend knew me when I considered all men to be the enemy, he had heard me declare at 12 that I would never marry and proclaim often in my late teens that I would never have kids. (This was before I even knew about Feminism, this was just reactionary behavior.) We have been through a lot together; I have seen this him at his worst, and I have seen him at his best. Likewise he knew me when I was going through a very dark time. I did not have the relationship with Jesus Christ that I do now. In fact, at this particular time, I wasn’t even sure if God existed. I was a very angry and bitter person at the ripe old age of sixteen. When I found Feminism in college, he was a big supporter of it because it made me “happy” and it gave me “purpose”. This friend helped me work through a lot of issues and hurts. I was excited to share with him the changes that I was making in my life.

            I was an art student, because of a willfully defiant act of rebellion. I am working on making better choices for my life. Part of making better choices for my life has been in learning to listen to God and his calling for my life. When I was a teenager I said, “I don’t want to have kids and I don’t like kids”. There was no room for God in that statement. Now that I am choosing to listen to God’s purpose for my life I realize that I am meant to work with children. I am made to nurture and care for other people and that is clear to me now despite the fact that it was never in my plans. (God is funny that way!) I love art and I love to learn but as one of my dearest advisers says to me, I will be a lifelong student. My art is secondary to the greater goal of my life which is to serve the kingdom of God to the best of my abilities.

Sadly, the changes that my friend is seeing in me now are not changes that he was ready for. To him the idea of me considering a life working with kids is completely out of the question, much less the idea that I could ever get married and have a family. This week I received an email from him, and at the bottom of his email he wrote: “Morgan, you are vibrant. You have made all the right choices so far. You got out of a bad situation and have made something of yourself. You have chosen not to be angry and to have a better life, which is commendable. Now you need to make another choice, do you want to play with kids, or make your art?”

 For anyone who has read my other pieces you can see how this statement would hurt. I am working on getting my life back on track; that means I have to make some pretty serious changes. However, when a person decides to make a change in their life there are going to be people who do not like it. They may dislike it for many different reasons; they may not even know why they dislike the change (as I suspect is the case of my friend). But it will happen, and you need to be prepared for it.  You cannot please everyone, and there are people in your life who are not going to fully understand why you are making the changes that you are. But, that is part of being a Christian, we are meant to be different and set apart from this world. Making the changes in your life that bring you closer to God is going to pull you away from the things of this world. These are changes you have to decide to make.

            In choosing to make changes in my own life I have found that there are people in my life who are not in support of my changes. I could get upset about it, and I could shirk my responsibility to God. It would be very easy to give in, especially when I am struggling with understanding God’s purpose for my life. It would be easy to continue to hide in academia and claim that I am just pursuing the highest education possible, but that would be a lie. It is up to me to take a stand for God’s plan in my life and to pursue it with my entire being. Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.” God will give me the strength to manage these drawbacks and discomforts; I just have to trust him to do so. I have to put my faith in God and not let the opinion of men sway me.