Title Tuesday: The Language of Sex

Welcome to  Title Tuesday, my favorite day of the week. This day is dedicated to book suggestions, news, cartoons, and reviews. Let's jump in!

Oh my goodness… I don't even know where to start with this review. From rather tacky anatomical statements (that are supposed to be funny… maybe?) to sweeping generalizations about what women want, this book was rough to get through.

The Language of Sex: Experiencing the Beauty of Sexual Intimacy is written mostly by Ted Cunningham with additions and extras by Dr. Gary Smalley. Admittedly Smalley gets top billing, but I didn't feel like he contributed nearly as much as Ted Cunningham. 

Either way, this book has a lot of very familiar teachings on sex, many of which are not positive. I was impressed by Cunningham's insistence on reiterating that women can and do enjoy sex when their husbands slow down and get to know their wife's body.

However, that positive note alone was not enough to redeem the small portion in chapter 10 that had me fuming while listening on the treadmill. I was listening to this book on Christian Audio and I just about fell off the treadmill upon hearing the next section. 

This is the end of the chapter. Ted Cunningham is addressing common questions and he starts talking about porn use in a marriage.

While he admits that porn use is wrong as well as adulterous, it is his counsel to wives that is particularly egregious.

Ted uses 1 Peter chapter 3 as a means of a wife dealing with a husbands porn use. 

This isn’t okay or legitimate.

Here is why.

If Ted is talking to believing Christians (which is who this book is geared towards) then 1 Peter 3 doesn’t apply. 1 Peter 3 is specifically dealing with those that “do not believe the word”. That means nonbelievers. This scripture that he is referencing is about winning a lost husband to Christ not addressing Christian men who are stepping out of their marriage with porn!

As if misusing scripture to muzzle women isn't bad enough Cunningham also tells wives:

“don’t be on him about his addiction”
“to watch your own behavior”
“be honest about your own struggles with him”

None of this is okay. 

A wife cannot be vulnerable and open where there is deceit and deception, period. It is also not her behavior that caused or allows his porn use, it is his behavior and his responsibility, full stop.

Finally, secret porn use creates betrayal trauma in the deceived partner. Cunningham seems to skip over this portion as if it is hardly worth mentioning. 

This too, is not okay.

If you are a victim of secret porn use by your partner there are resources out there that can really help you rather than masking or ignoring the issues. Check out work by Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR), Sarah McDugal, The Patchwork Wife and Sheila Gregoire

For me personally, the teachings on dealing with pornography use are an insurmountable obstacle in being able to give this book anything more than 0 stars. The good teachings in this book can be found other places, do not pollute your heart or your mind with the outdated and misogynistic teachings about pornography use in marriage from a bygone era.